I am sitting here re-reading the book “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown. I am doing this because after my last session with my energy specialist, I know that I am carrying a lot of shame. My heart center has blockage, which is probably no surprise to anyone close to me. I tend to be a bit guarded unless you have earned my trust and even then, it takes work for me to let you in.

I sit here and think about what started this shame. I was 5 years old and all I wanted is to fit in. This older boy made me believe that if I did what he wanted then I would fit in. At the same time, he told other kids that I was fat and ugly and whatever else you can think of at that age. He isolated me. I didn’t like doing the things that he made me do but I also didn’t want to be alone.

I carry the shame that I should have known better. That only if I could have found someone that I could trust that wouldn’t turn their back on me calling me a liar, that then I would have been free. It is really hard for me to talk about the years that I had with him, as I do carry so much shame. I know it wasn’t my fault and it was truly circumstances but it is hard for me to not feel like I was somehow the one to blame.

I’m hoping one day that I can write a book and help people with their own abuse. But for now I take it one day at a time. I’ve started talking about the memories as they come up. The hurt that I felt/feel. And I let my energy specialist help me to release all the negative energy that I’ve held onto for years. I am getting better every day and I am in the happiest part of my life right now because I have been working on me. I now know my worth and I am learning to own my shame so one day I can live free.

Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

In the box

I have never been one to fit well in the box. I have tried for several years to fit in to what people have convinced me is what I should do or be. And I never really fit well. Its funny looking back because I realized that I did a good job of making it looking like I fit in. I lived in the perfect house and worked my way up the corporate ladder. But it never felt right or worked well for me.

Tonight while talking to a friend, I felt like I was outside the box to her. Like my way of thinking wasn’t hers. I had to wonder if she thought I lost my way as I wanted to start my own business and not work for anyone. She said that I could work for the private sector after I said I don’t fit in the corporate world. I cut my hair in a different way and I am assuming she didn’t like it as she didn’t say a word about it. And we were on completely different wave lengths when we talked about things that I want to do in my future.

The thing is I feel like I am finally becoming me again. I feel like I don’t fit in the box and I do my own things. But it isn’t wrong. It is just different. I’m still the God fearing, love spreading person that I have always been. I just no longer want to be in the box that the world says I should be in. I feel a deep calling in my life to step out and do some things that are different and that is okay. I do not need to be like the crowd, in fact God challenges to step out and be different from the crowd.

I really needed this conversation tonight. As I have been stuck judging myself, where I am, and what I am doing. I now am proud to be who I am no matter if I am fitting into someone’s perfect box or not. It is about following your heart and if you are putting God first that is what matters. You cannot let someone else, no matter how close you are to the person, dictate your life. You need to be the person God created you to be.

Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

Depression is hard

Today, I have thought about so many things that I’ve wanted to say over the weeks. Afraid to sit down and write. What would I say? There are so many aspects of my life that I’m not sure if I ‘m ready to share. Would I talk about my struggles in 2019 or narrow it down to one topic of those struggles? Would I talk about how much I can see God’s work in my life or the work that I am doing to make sure His light still shines through me.

It’s been a hard road and so I decided to just sit down and let God speak. This last week has been one where I have seen my own personal struggle with depression try to win. I spent 1 day crying probably 12 out of the 24 hours. Every time I would pull myself together I would find myself crying again. Now, I probably really needed this as I have been bottling up for a while now.

I sat most of my day in either prayer or reading something from God. See years ago, this would not have been the case. I would have cried out His name but that would have been it. I would have worked myself up to the point of not wanting to live anymore. It is funny how when you see your child going through these same emotions, how much your life changes. I’ve turned to God more and more over the last 6 years. I’ve always been a believer and I have always prayed but it was never really a relationship type of focus.

Watching my daughter over the last year struggle with self-worth has been so hard, as I know I have done many of the same things she has. She attempted suicide just about a year ago. It was the scariest thing for me. It’s ironic how you can understand what a person is going through but struggle to help them in any way. You see someone who is that far into the depression feels like no one else can understand. The devils loves for us to feel isolated so he works hard on us when we are most vulnerable.

She has spent this year walking the fine line of trying to help herself and falling back down into a deeper depression. She does not want help from me most of the time but at times she wants the help. Our relationship has been put through the ringer as we are working to be mother/daughter but yet trying so hard to be compassionate and not to hard on her.

On Tuesday, she had decided to go to a friend’s house to study. I asked if she was coming home that night and she did not answer. Come Wednesday morning, she still did not answer but I could see she was going to school. It still hurt that she was not coming home. We had, had a fight that I had told her if she wasn’t going to follow my rules, she can pack and leave. This was the Friday before and I thought things were better since.

On Wednesday, I come to discover that she started telling everyone that she was kicked out. So that day, I had hoped she’d be home after school since she went there. But she didn’t. This caused panic for me and I just felt everything slipping away. She eventually did come home right before we were going to report her as a runaway but a lot of this is caused by her own struggle with self-worth and depression.

Remember to show people value even when they are not perfect in your eyes. Okay, so maybe they didn’t clean something or do something the way that you wanted them to but they did it. They were proud of what they accomplished – so what if it was not what you expected or wanted. Do not crush them for trying. They will get better with encouragement and support. Not with a you did not do anything and you need to just do better.

So many things like this as a child is growing up with lead to a life of hurt. Show kindness to everyone as you do not know what they have gone through to get where they are and sometimes they are just looking for approval. Remind them that they are loved by God and no worldly thing or person will fill that void. To look up and feel the light- shine that light.

Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

Happy Anniversary

23 years ago I walked down the aisle with someone I’d already been married to for 8.5 months and we had only knew each other a month longer than that. See we never did things normal. We had ran away to get married on a whim. And we decided to redo it in the Church to make it official and for our family. See I was only 17 when we first got married and I’m still not sure if it was valid. The church wedding was nice but it was done cheap.

I didn’t really have my dream wedding but it was done the best we could on a budget. The wedding itself was pretty nice. Lots of friends and family there. The dance was not great. There was heavy metal… and when my favorite song came on my groom wouldn’t dance with me.

I’d love to say our marriage was different but it really wasn’t. There were good times, sure. But a lot was like that night. Money overspent on stupid things and a lot the same cheapness on other things.

The thing is 23 years later and I’m sad. I’m sad that we spent so much time focused on so many other things that we got even more lost. That now we have been living separately while living under the same roof. And that we will be signing divorce papers in just a few days. Life doesn’t always bring you the direction that you expect.

Maybe some day I’ll get to start again and do things the way I wanted but for now I need to find who I am. I got so lost along the way.Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

Goodbye 2018 Hello 2019

I know I’ve talked about this before but I think it bears repeating. Each year brings on new opportunities and will bring on some level of heartache. It is what you decide to do with each is what matters the most. I do believe in goal-setting, not so much resolutions. You should be constantly reviewing and setting your goals throughout the year and not just because a new year has started. Do you look at the end of year year with contentment because it did not go the way you imagined when it started out?

It is so easy to focus on all the negative. I see so many people that are ready to smash 2018 out of their history. There are moments from this year that I would love to say the same and over the last 2 weeks may have felt a certain level of disdain for it. I’ve had a lot of things go wrong that I could really be focused on especially with this unexplained neck pain for 2, almost 3 weeks now.

I could be focused on the fact that I set out to do a marathon and had to stop after 12 miles. I could be focused on the fact that someone close to me attempted suicide a few weeks ago. I could be focused on all my health issues or the fact that I’ve been living in the complacency to avoid all tough matters in the family. Which I believe is what caused all the stress that lead to that neck injury- although there is not a definite answer on this.

I choose, however, to focus on the positives on 2019. No, I am not living in denial. I am living in the light that the Lord, my savoir, asks me to live in. So let’s look back. I spent the year training for a marathon. I ran further than I ever thought possible. I met new friends a long this journey and have learned new things. I am passionate about helping others for a cause that I didn’t even know about prior to signing up. And I made it 12 miles in a race that I wasn’t quite ready for due to some health issues. That freaking rocks!

I have discovered some things health wise that I need to keep a eye on and have a new perspective on what I’m putting into my body. The person who I am close with is now getting the help they need which will bring them closer to having a better year too.

I do have some definite goals looking ahead and will be flexible with these goals as I grow and adapt over the next year.
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
—John 16:33
I have decided to be team captain in my journey to the marathon this year and will be working on my health. This is a continuation year but with new knowledge, I know my goals will be stronger. My focus word for the year is Change, as I know that I cannot expect great things without change and will be striving to a new me, made anew with Christ.

Where is your focus for 2019? And could 2018 have been better than you thought?

Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

Becoming Grandma

I have had so many people tell me over the last 9 months how becoming a grandparent is so different from anything you have ever experienced. They said the love that fills you is just amazing. I tell you, I can’t even begin to explain this as it is so incredible and I never knew I could feel this way. Sure, every one of my kids, my heart was full and I loved so much but this is different. I really do think it is because the love you feel for your child, the proud-ness you are feeling of them becoming a parent and doing it all combines with this beautiful little human that is now your grandchild that it is just an explosion of emotions.My story start on Monday, November 26th with a phone call from my daughter on who she should call because her water broke. I sat at work very impatiently waiting for part 2, when do I go to the hospital to join her. Does she even want me there still and how is she doing, baby doing? I had my phone close by waiting. 1230 came and that means lunch time for me. I texted her shortly before to see if she is dilated any or if they had even checked her yet. She said 4 and I thought, oh my wow that was fast.

I responded with a do you still want me there, it’s okay if you don’t. I really needed to get to lunch so I called to see if I should come or go to lunch. I was told to come. I stopped at Holiday on my way over to grab a quick bite and a drink.  I ate that pretzel as fast as I could and got up to the room. They had people in there trying to fix the tv.  She already looked tired.

I spent some time there watching her contractions on the screen. Her fiance was hungry so I ran to Subway to get him food.  I brought that back. About an hour or so later, the nurse gave her pain meds as it was getting harder for her to go without. The nurse said that if these slowed the contractions that she would need to start a drip to keep them going. Well that happened so I decided that I would run to the Church for a meeting I had booked already.

In the meantime, the second dose of pain meds made her sick so they were trying the mask. That worked for a bit but they still got pretty intense on her so finally she asked for the epidural. 11 hours and almost an hour of pushing. I got to see this baby boy enter the world. Watching my daughter go through that, understanding her struggles, as I have been there a few times. It just made me love this boy all the more. Her fiance was crying and just overfilled with joy that he couldn’t cut the umbilical cord so I got to do this.

I have never looked at a baby with so much love and awe as I did in that moment. It was truly amazing and I love him so incredibly much that I can’t even explain it.Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

The Christian Democrat

So I do not talk politics very often and I strongly believe this is a personal thing so I will not be talking about what I believe in as far as that goes. But I wanted to talk about this post on facebook that I couldn’t figure out why it bothered me so much until now. See I have seen so many posts that are hateful and I end up rolling my eyes or thinking seriously people this isn’t worth breaking friendships over. But I never dwelled on those posts. They make me sad over all and I pray for the people involved but I really do not think twice about them. So why was this one post on election night still bothering me today.

Okay so what was the post? Well it started with someone ranting over the fact that our voting poll is in a Church. Eyeroll here- I mean I know the Church isn’t trying to convert that person and they are just being petty. But then I read the arguments going back and forth. The last one I read really bothered me. It had said that if you step into a school that you vote for the referendum and if you step into a Church, you will vote conservative. All I could think is what?

So I’ve been thinking on this, obviously for 2 days now… And my gut reaction was I know very strong democrats that would never change their mins on something and same with my republican friends/family. But then I started thinking about it all. These people are strong in their beliefs no matter what. They know God and they know what they stand for in politics and they do not mix the two (oh and the misuse of separation of state and religion on that post…)

Anyway, the people I thought about are the ones that don’t know anything about certain policies or maybe the part of government that is being elected. So they are sitting in the school voting and they have no idea what this referendum means so they are like, I like the school, I’ll vote yes to help them out. Okay, so now I get that but still this isn’t about location still. It is truly about making sure that the person voting knows what they are voting for. But I would to believe that even if that person wasn’t sitting in the school, they would have the same thought if they didn’t know much on the subject. I do know its more likely they would in the school than not.

So now the reason that I think this bothered me so much. I think that it bothered me to think that people out there believed you couldn’t be Christian and Democrat at the same time. And how much this could influence others to believe the same. Just because it seems that Republicans are not afraid of the Religion does not automatically make them the only believers. I very much know Democrats that are very strong in the political views, as well as their faith in God. I believe that they would vote Democratic even if they didn’t like the person they were voting for because they are that strong opinionated on the subject. So don’t think that you can’t be Christian if you have a liberal viewpoint. Don’t let the world control you. Put your trust in the Lord and let whatever follows happen. Stepping foot into a Church (you actually only go into the school part, it’s done in the gym and there is an entrance directly into that gym from both side straight to the outside) does not mean you will instantly change into something that you are not.

Be educated on what you are voting for and don’t be afraid of what you believe in no matter what anyone else thinks. And trust me I get the fear of not pleasing others. I wrote this post and fear definitely is there over the backlash that could come from it. I have a lot of posts that I feel that way on but I trust God will get me through no matter what so I continue to post.

Matthew 6:33-34

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

Hate for hate

Why does bullying get met with bullying and hate for hate? It is easier, I guess, but it also fuels you and takes up so much room to be angry. How long do you carry it around for? How much does it affect you?

I admit that I meet anger with anger at times. I try to remain positive and “kill them with kindness”. I’ve just seen so many memes and such that is like you mess with me and you will pay type attitudes. Jesus saw some of the worst bullying ever. I can’t even begin to imagine what he felt but He let go of it and overcame it all.

One of my favorite unknown author quotes is:

“You don’t have to be like the world to have an impact on the world. You don’t have to be like the crowd to change the crowd. You don’t have to lower yourself down to their level to lift them up to your level. Holiness doesn’t seek to be odd. Holiness seeks to be like God”Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

I Wish (a note to my daughter)

Some days, I sit here and think about the choices you are making. Yes, all of them but the small ones really. Like when you decide to dress a certain way to impress or feel you can’t leave the house without make up. I want to scream at you (in the most loving way) that you are beautiful the way you are. I want to tell you that you don’t need to wear that to impress some boy.

I wish that I could say, I walked down the path that you have and trust me when I say you don’t need to. I have done things that I am definitely not proud of to impress “the right” people. I’ve only got hurt sweetie. The people who truly love you, love you in what ever you are wearing. They love you with no make up or not having to be someone that you think you should be for them.

People are hard my dear girl and if you spend your life trying to please them, you will feel empty and alone, even if you are with a lot of “friends”. I’d love to tell you that God is the only one who can make you feel not alone and give you the security that you are looking for and that if you could only put your full trust in Him, you would truly understand what that means.

I get how hard that is because I’m still learning how to do that. I have spent so many more years trying to please others and not myself or the Lord that I try to serve. When you find the right person or even friends, they will make you feel like you accomplished something great together, not something dark. They will help you to shine light one to others. They will help you to look at this hurting world and go I need to show others that God does still exist.

They will light up the room when they see you and you will do the same for them because you are full of happiness and not full of trying to please.  When you are so focused on pleasing others, you forget yourself and feel rejected when they don’t do what is expected them to do. It hurts so bad and you don’t see His light shining through, you see hurt and heartache. Again, I wish I could tell you I’ve been there and you understand that it is true. That you could know that just because I am 23 year older than you does not mean that I don’t understand or that today’s world is different.

Yes, hunny, it is. I know it is and it scares me too but it does not mean I haven’t been there. It just means that we each had different struggles to carry. Each may be different but all relative.

I love you my dear daughter. You are very special and you will be a star shining bright for the world. Just know if you are happy with yourself because God made you who you are- very unique, just like me. People may not like you but who cares, God loves you. I love you. That is all that really matters and you let your light shine through who you are sweet child.Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

Where did I go Wrong

I sit her and think this is probably what my parents thought 100 times over when I was growing up. And now today, I find myself asking this same question. When I was a kid, I dreamed that one day I would have a large family of my own. 5 kids to be exact. I would be the cool mom that would play with her kids. The one that her kids would feel comfortable coming to with all their needs. I dream of this large family and all the things we would do. We would go on adventures together and travel.

It’s true that when you start out with a large family, someone has to stay home to take care of them at least until they go to school full time. Then the realities of how expensive a large family sets in and parents need to have a 2 income home to survive unless 1 person can make the income of 2. So then work takes over slowly. You find less and less time for that dream you had and all the time spent on stressing over paying bills, doing well enough at work, and getting the kids to where they need to be. The play time becomes limited to time off and the expectations of the family unit raise.

Now, don’t get me wrong with that. I’ve always had an old-fashioned mentality on chores and children learning them, as well as discipline. But it seems that when it’s no longer a game to get everything cleaned up as quickly as possible and becomes the reality of responsibility, it is no longer the thing anyone wants to do. When the snack times go away and its a free for all, then overeating and sneaking of all kinds of foods happens. And then the fighting enters in the picture. Okay so I’m not saying that when they were younger there was no fighting but I’m saying it was different. Now who has time for that. They don’t, we don’t so it’s all about the rush, rush, rush. Things get forgotten, chores don’t get done, and people get frustrated.

We all have these ideals when it comes to our lives and then we face the challenges that throw us off course and don’t know what to do from there. It is easy when we expect them and can be proactive. It’s so much harder when it comes out of nowhere and hits us square in the face. Last night I got the text that read “I need a break so won’t be coming home for a few days and going to stay at a friends house” Here’s the thing- even though I didn’t have a cell phone, I did this to my parents as a kid. Smack right across the face, here comes reality. Sometimes I’m not sure which is worse, knowing what she is going through and the path she is leading but not being able to help because “she is different” or the fact that I did these exact things to my parents and now know how they felt and just how stupid I really was.

I turn to my Bible and ask for guidance as this will not shake my faith. If I could only help her to find God like I did and help her to see a better way much sooner than I did. Parenting is truly a blessing and I thank God every day for the children he has given me. I am truly blessed.Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-