Today, I have thought about so many things that I’ve wanted to say over the weeks. Afraid to sit down and write. What would I say? There are so many aspects of my life that I’m not sure if I ‘m ready to share. Would I talk about my struggles in 2019 or narrow it down to one topic of those struggles? Would I talk about how much I can see God’s work in my life or the work that I am doing to make sure His light still shines through me.
It’s been a hard road and so I decided to just sit down and let God speak. This last week has been one where I have seen my own personal struggle with depression try to win. I spent 1 day crying probably 12 out of the 24 hours. Every time I would pull myself together I would find myself crying again. Now, I probably really needed this as I have been bottling up for a while now.
I sat most of my day in either prayer or reading something from God. See years ago, this would not have been the case. I would have cried out His name but that would have been it. I would have worked myself up to the point of not wanting to live anymore. It is funny how when you see your child going through these same emotions, how much your life changes. I’ve turned to God more and more over the last 6 years. I’ve always been a believer and I have always prayed but it was never really a relationship type of focus.
Watching my daughter over the last year struggle with self-worth has been so hard, as I know I have done many of the same things she has. She attempted suicide just about a year ago. It was the scariest thing for me. It’s ironic how you can understand what a person is going through but struggle to help them in any way. You see someone who is that far into the depression feels like no one else can understand. The devils loves for us to feel isolated so he works hard on us when we are most vulnerable.
She has spent this year walking the fine line of trying to help herself and falling back down into a deeper depression. She does not want help from me most of the time but at times she wants the help. Our relationship has been put through the ringer as we are working to be mother/daughter but yet trying so hard to be compassionate and not to hard on her.
On Tuesday, she had decided to go to a friend’s house to study. I asked if she was coming home that night and she did not answer. Come Wednesday morning, she still did not answer but I could see she was going to school. It still hurt that she was not coming home. We had, had a fight that I had told her if she wasn’t going to follow my rules, she can pack and leave. This was the Friday before and I thought things were better since.
On Wednesday, I come to discover that she started telling everyone that she was kicked out. So that day, I had hoped she’d be home after school since she went there. But she didn’t. This caused panic for me and I just felt everything slipping away. She eventually did come home right before we were going to report her as a runaway but a lot of this is caused by her own struggle with self-worth and depression.
Remember to show people value even when they are not perfect in your eyes. Okay, so maybe they didn’t clean something or do something the way that you wanted them to but they did it. They were proud of what they accomplished – so what if it was not what you expected or wanted. Do not crush them for trying. They will get better with encouragement and support. Not with a you did not do anything and you need to just do better.
So many things like this as a child is growing up with lead to a life of hurt. Show kindness to everyone as you do not know what they have gone through to get where they are and sometimes they are just looking for approval. Remind them that they are loved by God and no worldly thing or person will fill that void. To look up and feel the light- shine that light.
Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-