Shame

I am sitting here re-reading the book “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown. I am doing this because after my last session with my energy specialist, I know that I am carrying a lot of shame. My heart center has blockage, which is probably no surprise to anyone close to me. I tend to be a bit guarded unless you have earned my trust and even then, it takes work for me to let you in.

I sit here and think about what started this shame. I was 5 years old and all I wanted is to fit in. This older boy made me believe that if I did what he wanted then I would fit in. At the same time, he told other kids that I was fat and ugly and whatever else you can think of at that age. He isolated me. I didn’t like doing the things that he made me do but I also didn’t want to be alone.

I carry the shame that I should have known better. That only if I could have found someone that I could trust that wouldn’t turn their back on me calling me a liar, that then I would have been free. It is really hard for me to talk about the years that I had with him, as I do carry so much shame. I know it wasn’t my fault and it was truly circumstances but it is hard for me to not feel like I was somehow the one to blame.

I’m hoping one day that I can write a book and help people with their own abuse. But for now I take it one day at a time. I’ve started talking about the memories as they come up. The hurt that I felt/feel. And I let my energy specialist help me to release all the negative energy that I’ve held onto for years. I am getting better every day and I am in the happiest part of my life right now because I have been working on me. I now know my worth and I am learning to own my shame so one day I can live free.

Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

In the box

I have never been one to fit well in the box. I have tried for several years to fit in to what people have convinced me is what I should do or be. And I never really fit well. Its funny looking back because I realized that I did a good job of making it looking like I fit in. I lived in the perfect house and worked my way up the corporate ladder. But it never felt right or worked well for me.

Tonight while talking to a friend, I felt like I was outside the box to her. Like my way of thinking wasn’t hers. I had to wonder if she thought I lost my way as I wanted to start my own business and not work for anyone. She said that I could work for the private sector after I said I don’t fit in the corporate world. I cut my hair in a different way and I am assuming she didn’t like it as she didn’t say a word about it. And we were on completely different wave lengths when we talked about things that I want to do in my future.

The thing is I feel like I am finally becoming me again. I feel like I don’t fit in the box and I do my own things. But it isn’t wrong. It is just different. I’m still the God fearing, love spreading person that I have always been. I just no longer want to be in the box that the world says I should be in. I feel a deep calling in my life to step out and do some things that are different and that is okay. I do not need to be like the crowd, in fact God challenges to step out and be different from the crowd.

I really needed this conversation tonight. As I have been stuck judging myself, where I am, and what I am doing. I now am proud to be who I am no matter if I am fitting into someone’s perfect box or not. It is about following your heart and if you are putting God first that is what matters. You cannot let someone else, no matter how close you are to the person, dictate your life. You need to be the person God created you to be.

Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

Depression is hard

Today, I have thought about so many things that I’ve wanted to say over the weeks. Afraid to sit down and write. What would I say? There are so many aspects of my life that I’m not sure if I ‘m ready to share. Would I talk about my struggles in 2019 or narrow it down to one topic of those struggles? Would I talk about how much I can see God’s work in my life or the work that I am doing to make sure His light still shines through me.

It’s been a hard road and so I decided to just sit down and let God speak. This last week has been one where I have seen my own personal struggle with depression try to win. I spent 1 day crying probably 12 out of the 24 hours. Every time I would pull myself together I would find myself crying again. Now, I probably really needed this as I have been bottling up for a while now.

I sat most of my day in either prayer or reading something from God. See years ago, this would not have been the case. I would have cried out His name but that would have been it. I would have worked myself up to the point of not wanting to live anymore. It is funny how when you see your child going through these same emotions, how much your life changes. I’ve turned to God more and more over the last 6 years. I’ve always been a believer and I have always prayed but it was never really a relationship type of focus.

Watching my daughter over the last year struggle with self-worth has been so hard, as I know I have done many of the same things she has. She attempted suicide just about a year ago. It was the scariest thing for me. It’s ironic how you can understand what a person is going through but struggle to help them in any way. You see someone who is that far into the depression feels like no one else can understand. The devils loves for us to feel isolated so he works hard on us when we are most vulnerable.

She has spent this year walking the fine line of trying to help herself and falling back down into a deeper depression. She does not want help from me most of the time but at times she wants the help. Our relationship has been put through the ringer as we are working to be mother/daughter but yet trying so hard to be compassionate and not to hard on her.

On Tuesday, she had decided to go to a friend’s house to study. I asked if she was coming home that night and she did not answer. Come Wednesday morning, she still did not answer but I could see she was going to school. It still hurt that she was not coming home. We had, had a fight that I had told her if she wasn’t going to follow my rules, she can pack and leave. This was the Friday before and I thought things were better since.

On Wednesday, I come to discover that she started telling everyone that she was kicked out. So that day, I had hoped she’d be home after school since she went there. But she didn’t. This caused panic for me and I just felt everything slipping away. She eventually did come home right before we were going to report her as a runaway but a lot of this is caused by her own struggle with self-worth and depression.

Remember to show people value even when they are not perfect in your eyes. Okay, so maybe they didn’t clean something or do something the way that you wanted them to but they did it. They were proud of what they accomplished – so what if it was not what you expected or wanted. Do not crush them for trying. They will get better with encouragement and support. Not with a you did not do anything and you need to just do better.

So many things like this as a child is growing up with lead to a life of hurt. Show kindness to everyone as you do not know what they have gone through to get where they are and sometimes they are just looking for approval. Remind them that they are loved by God and no worldly thing or person will fill that void. To look up and feel the light- shine that light.

Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

Happy Anniversary

23 years ago I walked down the aisle with someone I’d already been married to for 8.5 months and we had only knew each other a month longer than that. See we never did things normal. We had ran away to get married on a whim. And we decided to redo it in the Church to make it official and for our family. See I was only 17 when we first got married and I’m still not sure if it was valid. The church wedding was nice but it was done cheap.

I didn’t really have my dream wedding but it was done the best we could on a budget. The wedding itself was pretty nice. Lots of friends and family there. The dance was not great. There was heavy metal… and when my favorite song came on my groom wouldn’t dance with me.

I’d love to say our marriage was different but it really wasn’t. There were good times, sure. But a lot was like that night. Money overspent on stupid things and a lot the same cheapness on other things.

The thing is 23 years later and I’m sad. I’m sad that we spent so much time focused on so many other things that we got even more lost. That now we have been living separately while living under the same roof. And that we will be signing divorce papers in just a few days. Life doesn’t always bring you the direction that you expect.

Maybe some day I’ll get to start again and do things the way I wanted but for now I need to find who I am. I got so lost along the way.Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

Which way to go

Every day I’m walking this path- is it yours? Is it mine? Am I going the right way or off-roading? I know my love and faith for you is strong but I feel so lost and alone. I know you are with me as your love never fails but I forget that you are there and I try to do things my way. I’m forgetting to ask you your will, your way.

I’m saddened by the place that I’m in. All I see is disarray. I keep trenching forward knowing you are asking me to move and trust. But I find myself scared so much that it makes it hard to move. The air feels so thin up here, I can hardly breathe. Oh Lord, I ask you for your guidance, your strength. Let me see you Lord, I trust in you. I know you are there and will not fail. I need you God to come down and carry me for awhile, I am so very tired and I right now I just want to lean into you.Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

The tightrope

This may be one of the darkest posts I ever do so fair warning before reading.

I was going to the title this I don’t know but as the words started flowing, this got changed. I was going to tell about how I don’t know what to do or how to move anymore and then my train of thought went to how Lysa
TerKeurst’s book explains the tightrope. But very differently.

Lysa talks about how hard it is to be on the tightrope and how you don’t want to go back but it’s too hard to go forward. When I read this book, I knew I was on the tightrope and moving forward slowly but moving. Today is quite different.

So back to what I was thinking when starting this blog. I was thinking that I was stuck, that every direction looked scary. That I am still on this tightrope but this thick fog has come in and I cannot see where I need to go. I see these glimmers of hope and inch my way but the fog takes over again. I turn to my friends in the light, they help me for a moment but then the darkness takes over again.

I turn to my Bible, I see the hope but I feel so distant. Lord, where are you? I need you right now. I read my Bible to search for you but I lost the words to pray. I feel a moment where I see the light, it is ahead. I start moving and another fog reigns over me. The rain sets in, it feels good to feel something, I move ahead with the lightning as that helps to clear my way but now the fog is more dense from the moisture.

I am so afraid. I could try to move forward but afraid I’ll lose my balance and where I came from is just as scary. I could risk it a jump and pray that this is God’s path and not the shortcut out but that is way too risky. Lord, I know you are there. I feel you. I see your light at times, I hear your voice in the distance. I need you Lord right now. I need you to shine through me or to carry me for a bit. I trust in you.

Psalm 130:1-2 From the depths of despair, O Lord, I call for your help. Hear my cry, O Lord. Pay attention to my prayer.

Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

Team Captain

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13
We all turn to this verse when something scares us and we need strength through Him to move forward.

When I look at team captain, I feel like people are saying, “her? she seems like the unlikely choice. Did she even finish last year?
I probably do seem like the least likely choice to captain a team that is looking to complete a marathon when I didn’t even finish myself.

But I think this might be the very reason that I am the perfect choice! How many of you are afraid to start because you are afraid you won’t finish? This was exactly me last year. I am not a runner, sure I like to run but that took a lot to even get started with that. I had completed a lot of 5ks but I am not fast by any means! And at the time, I had only run to escape the world and to lose a little weight while at it.

So to run 26.2 miles was the scariest thing that I could ever do. I had even thought earlier in the day, that I signed up, that my good friend running that same race was out of her mind for that journey. I started my running journey to the marathon with so much fear. Week after week of training with the group, I would look at these group photos.

I would see that I did not have the runner’s body. I still don’t… But each week, I would remind myself why I was out there. This was not about me, it was about these young children who need to walk miles each day to get water and most of the time it isn’t even clean. I really had to focus on this as I was the slowest runner out there and each week got longer.

I had felt bad for those who were waiting for me each week. But they were there cheering me on with a smile on their face. Truly amazing how much God shows up every week there. At one point I had injured myself, my sinuses got the best of me another week, and by this point, I knew I would not finish the race. Sure I went 20 miles but that 20 miles were just an 1/2 hour shy of the limits in the race. I prayed and prayed on this.

I was scared to even start and thought what will others think of me… I woke up that morning and put it in God’s hands. I totally didn’t start out the way that I planned. The excitement of it all got to me and I ran too fast. So I got slower and slower until the point that I got on the bus. But for those 12 miles, they were the best that I have ever experienced in my life. The support from friends, family, my team, and the crowds. Can we talk about those crowds? I normally hate crowds. They are pushy and rude… But oh my, these crowds were cheering me on. They read my jersey and literally cheered my name. When I was so far behind, they called out words of encouragement, letting me know that I could still do this. It was so amazing.

I had raised enough money for 43 kids to get clean water for a LIFEtime! How amazing is that? This experience had been the most amazing experience that I have ever had and now I want to share that journey/ experience with you. I will train again side by side with you and hopefully this year I will finish- nope, I am going to do this. Are you willing to step out in faith and help me get there? To help those in need; that don’t have the luxury of clean water- to get for a lifetime!?!

Hebrews 12:1 is a verse I constantly went back to while on this journey. “Since we have a huge crowd of witnesses, let us strip down the weight that slows us down. And let us run with endurance the race God had set before us.” Are you ready to strip that weight of fear and witness to those around you God’s great love? Are you ready to run?

Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

Goodbye 2018 Hello 2019

I know I’ve talked about this before but I think it bears repeating. Each year brings on new opportunities and will bring on some level of heartache. It is what you decide to do with each is what matters the most. I do believe in goal-setting, not so much resolutions. You should be constantly reviewing and setting your goals throughout the year and not just because a new year has started. Do you look at the end of year year with contentment because it did not go the way you imagined when it started out?

It is so easy to focus on all the negative. I see so many people that are ready to smash 2018 out of their history. There are moments from this year that I would love to say the same and over the last 2 weeks may have felt a certain level of disdain for it. I’ve had a lot of things go wrong that I could really be focused on especially with this unexplained neck pain for 2, almost 3 weeks now.

I could be focused on the fact that I set out to do a marathon and had to stop after 12 miles. I could be focused on the fact that someone close to me attempted suicide a few weeks ago. I could be focused on all my health issues or the fact that I’ve been living in the complacency to avoid all tough matters in the family. Which I believe is what caused all the stress that lead to that neck injury- although there is not a definite answer on this.

I choose, however, to focus on the positives on 2019. No, I am not living in denial. I am living in the light that the Lord, my savoir, asks me to live in. So let’s look back. I spent the year training for a marathon. I ran further than I ever thought possible. I met new friends a long this journey and have learned new things. I am passionate about helping others for a cause that I didn’t even know about prior to signing up. And I made it 12 miles in a race that I wasn’t quite ready for due to some health issues. That freaking rocks!

I have discovered some things health wise that I need to keep a eye on and have a new perspective on what I’m putting into my body. The person who I am close with is now getting the help they need which will bring them closer to having a better year too.

I do have some definite goals looking ahead and will be flexible with these goals as I grow and adapt over the next year.
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
—John 16:33
I have decided to be team captain in my journey to the marathon this year and will be working on my health. This is a continuation year but with new knowledge, I know my goals will be stronger. My focus word for the year is Change, as I know that I cannot expect great things without change and will be striving to a new me, made anew with Christ.

Where is your focus for 2019? And could 2018 have been better than you thought?

Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

Becoming Grandma

I have had so many people tell me over the last 9 months how becoming a grandparent is so different from anything you have ever experienced. They said the love that fills you is just amazing. I tell you, I can’t even begin to explain this as it is so incredible and I never knew I could feel this way. Sure, every one of my kids, my heart was full and I loved so much but this is different. I really do think it is because the love you feel for your child, the proud-ness you are feeling of them becoming a parent and doing it all combines with this beautiful little human that is now your grandchild that it is just an explosion of emotions.My story start on Monday, November 26th with a phone call from my daughter on who she should call because her water broke. I sat at work very impatiently waiting for part 2, when do I go to the hospital to join her. Does she even want me there still and how is she doing, baby doing? I had my phone close by waiting. 1230 came and that means lunch time for me. I texted her shortly before to see if she is dilated any or if they had even checked her yet. She said 4 and I thought, oh my wow that was fast.

I responded with a do you still want me there, it’s okay if you don’t. I really needed to get to lunch so I called to see if I should come or go to lunch. I was told to come. I stopped at Holiday on my way over to grab a quick bite and a drink.  I ate that pretzel as fast as I could and got up to the room. They had people in there trying to fix the tv.  She already looked tired.

I spent some time there watching her contractions on the screen. Her fiance was hungry so I ran to Subway to get him food.  I brought that back. About an hour or so later, the nurse gave her pain meds as it was getting harder for her to go without. The nurse said that if these slowed the contractions that she would need to start a drip to keep them going. Well that happened so I decided that I would run to the Church for a meeting I had booked already.

In the meantime, the second dose of pain meds made her sick so they were trying the mask. That worked for a bit but they still got pretty intense on her so finally she asked for the epidural. 11 hours and almost an hour of pushing. I got to see this baby boy enter the world. Watching my daughter go through that, understanding her struggles, as I have been there a few times. It just made me love this boy all the more. Her fiance was crying and just overfilled with joy that he couldn’t cut the umbilical cord so I got to do this.

I have never looked at a baby with so much love and awe as I did in that moment. It was truly amazing and I love him so incredibly much that I can’t even explain it.Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-

The Christian Democrat

So I do not talk politics very often and I strongly believe this is a personal thing so I will not be talking about what I believe in as far as that goes. But I wanted to talk about this post on facebook that I couldn’t figure out why it bothered me so much until now. See I have seen so many posts that are hateful and I end up rolling my eyes or thinking seriously people this isn’t worth breaking friendships over. But I never dwelled on those posts. They make me sad over all and I pray for the people involved but I really do not think twice about them. So why was this one post on election night still bothering me today.

Okay so what was the post? Well it started with someone ranting over the fact that our voting poll is in a Church. Eyeroll here- I mean I know the Church isn’t trying to convert that person and they are just being petty. But then I read the arguments going back and forth. The last one I read really bothered me. It had said that if you step into a school that you vote for the referendum and if you step into a Church, you will vote conservative. All I could think is what?

So I’ve been thinking on this, obviously for 2 days now… And my gut reaction was I know very strong democrats that would never change their mins on something and same with my republican friends/family. But then I started thinking about it all. These people are strong in their beliefs no matter what. They know God and they know what they stand for in politics and they do not mix the two (oh and the misuse of separation of state and religion on that post…)

Anyway, the people I thought about are the ones that don’t know anything about certain policies or maybe the part of government that is being elected. So they are sitting in the school voting and they have no idea what this referendum means so they are like, I like the school, I’ll vote yes to help them out. Okay, so now I get that but still this isn’t about location still. It is truly about making sure that the person voting knows what they are voting for. But I would to believe that even if that person wasn’t sitting in the school, they would have the same thought if they didn’t know much on the subject. I do know its more likely they would in the school than not.

So now the reason that I think this bothered me so much. I think that it bothered me to think that people out there believed you couldn’t be Christian and Democrat at the same time. And how much this could influence others to believe the same. Just because it seems that Republicans are not afraid of the Religion does not automatically make them the only believers. I very much know Democrats that are very strong in the political views, as well as their faith in God. I believe that they would vote Democratic even if they didn’t like the person they were voting for because they are that strong opinionated on the subject. So don’t think that you can’t be Christian if you have a liberal viewpoint. Don’t let the world control you. Put your trust in the Lord and let whatever follows happen. Stepping foot into a Church (you actually only go into the school part, it’s done in the gym and there is an entrance directly into that gym from both side straight to the outside) does not mean you will instantly change into something that you are not.

Be educated on what you are voting for and don’t be afraid of what you believe in no matter what anyone else thinks. And trust me I get the fear of not pleasing others. I wrote this post and fear definitely is there over the backlash that could come from it. I have a lot of posts that I feel that way on but I trust God will get me through no matter what so I continue to post.

Matthew 6:33-34

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-